Steve Braunias: Secret diary of … Christmas Carols

For National

Away with a Muller
Todd wasn’t much chop
Got a case of the panics
And his knickers in a knot.

Bridges wasn’t any better
He shot from the hip
But missed every target
And put the party in the
[redacted].

Let’s not forget lil Nikki
She had such high hopes
But thought Goldsmith was Māori
And came across as a dope.

The party was sinking
Things looked very bad
But along came Good Judith
To pack away their sads.

Judith did lead them
Judith set up shop
Judith was crazy
Judith was a flop.

Yonder stands Chris Luxon
In this very last verse
He might replace Bad Judith
He couldn’t be any worse.

For NZ First

Good King Winston looked out
And said, “Yeah okay I’m leaving.”
Failure lay ’round about
Deep and crisp and even.

Dimly shone his wine that night
As NZ First went down.
That’s when Jonesy came in sight
And sculled a Lion Brown.

“Hither, Winnie, and stand by me
As our dreams do fade.
The road has ended ingloriously
Let us leave the stage.”

“Bring me mead and bring me wine
Bring me a green-lipped mussel.
Jonesy get out of my damned sight
I always thought you were a complete [redacted].”

For the Greens

God rest you merry Green men and women
With your complaints and your dismay.
Your sighing and your handwringing
Your harping on and on and on all day.

Bicyles and electric cars are all very well
But give it a rest sometimes, okay?
Marama moans and James talks ever so slowly
Thank goodness for good old joyful Chloe.

For Act

We MPs of Act Party are
Strange and crazed, at the end of the bar
We’re new and don’t have a clue
Following Seymour’s star.

O star of Epsom, star of right
Star of twerking night after night
Freedom leaning, euthanasia’s proceeding
Full credit, mate – you always put up a fight.

For Advance

We wish you a sincere good riddance!
We wish you a sincere good riddance!
We wish you a sincere good riddance!
And oblivion.

For Labour

Jacinda Ardern, Jacinda Ardern
Jacinda-ing all the way!
Oh what fun it is to win
65 seats on election day.

Hey! Dashing through the year
Always making sense
Telling people, “Never fear!”
At the 1 o’clock conference.

Her and Dr Ash
They really ran the show
Put the virus in the trash
And said, “You can go outside now, bro.”

Jacinda Ardern, Jacinda Ardern
Jacinda-ing all the way!
Mallard sucks but she’s okay
Let’s toast her on Christmas Day. Hey!

For the Secret Diarist

O come all ye MPs, clueless and abysmal
Especially the new ones
O come ye, O come ye
To Parliament.

O please do something foolish
Please do something awful
O please do something quite insane
For the weekly satirist.

O Miss Ardern and Ms Collins
I’d love to write your downfalls
O Miss Ardern and Ms Collins
It’s nothing personal! Merry Xmas.

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